blacksquirrel | (no subject)

So, I am finally feeling sufficiently good about myself to admit that I didn't get either of the fellowships I applied for. I received the rejection letters about a week and a half ago. But, since then I got a lot of positive feedback on my work and today I had a good meeting with the woman who did a midquarter feedback session with my class. For the first time ever I feel like a moderately competent teacher. She called the discussion I led "skillful." She thought the activity I devised was useful and well crafted. She showed me the comments students made (she retyped them to maintain anonymity) and they 1) like the readings and 2) think they're really learning things, making progress

*does a happy dance*

So now that my ego bubble has been restored, I can face the fact that I was turned down. So, I'll be going on detached study next term, and using my last term of fellowship the term after that, if I'm ready to graduate. If not I'll just stay on detached study and graduate the following fall. This means I'll be leaving Ann Arbor for good at the end of April and going home! I love MN :D

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sorry to hear about the fellowships, but that's great feedback there! And it'll be really great to have you local again. :D

Yeah - It'll be really nice to hang out again :)

Take it from someone with long and varied experience in both secondary ed. and higher ed...we all feel like complete incompetents on occasion, and in my experience, the really good teachers feel in the early years like they are the worst teachers ever. I certainly did. I made the most egregious and embarassing mistakes imaginable (okay, short of actually bedding a student). BUT, it's never as bad as you think it is, and do you know why? Because you'd be TOTALLY CLUELESS to even the suggestion that you MIGHT be "bad" at it if you WERE actually bad at it. That is, in my experience, the teachers who were/are the worst usually either a) have no idea or (b) don't give a flying rat's ass if they suck.

You strike me as enormously talented, intelligent, and conscientious, and I think you are and would be a great teacher in the future, if life takes you that way, though I know you've said that you don't intend to go that route.

You know, it's funny--in a response to a comment of mine awhile back, you noted that you realized you'd never be a "Dead Poet's Society" quality teacher. That resonated deeply with me because THAT movie is what made me decide to teach English. And, I finally ended up at a private, expensive, all-boys school on the far end of conservative. (And we're actually considering going to blazers with a crest!!!!) But in the earliest days, I thought I sucked as a teacher, and I despaired of EVER being like Robin Williams' Mr. Keating. Now, I know that I never will be, if only because that was FICTION, and real boys are much, much more challenging. But, I've discovered how rewarding it is in other ways (and thankfully, no one has killed himself on my watch, though it's been a near and terrifying thing on occasion).

Anyway, I'm not trying to sell you on becoming a teacher; I just wanted to tell you that I'm not surprised that you got a good review, and I suspect that you're a much better teacher than you give yourself credit for.

I'm sorry about the fellowships; I totally get your disappointment. But congratulations on the positive feedback on your teaching!

*hugs*

Thank you :)

The best teacher I ever had was my undergrad advisor, who I still keep in touch with. He's won several teaching awards and is *still* totally neurotic about his teaching - nightmares and everything - after 30 plus straight years. So, I think you're right - like only sane people wonder if they're insane, maybe only good teachers bother to worry that they might be bad teachers :)

Ah, "Dead Poet's Society." The thing I loved about Williams and my undergrad prof was how *inspiring* they were to the people around them, and how they weren't afraid to lay it all out - tell the truth and say what they ment. I'm not a terribly outgoing person (understatement of the week), so part of what's been hard is developing my public teaching persona - finding a ballance between distanced authority and interpersonal warmth.

What I think I was referring to last time was that I've had to accept that no, I'm not going to get through to *everyone* and not everyone will even like me much, but that's ok. This year, being able to control my own class really has been rewarding - especially this semseter when I can refine and improve the class from last term. I don't feel like I'm dramatically altering any of their lives, but once in awhile I see a lightbulb go off behind someone's eyes, and that feels pretty cool :)

Becoming a teacher is always a possibility - one that looks more or less attractive depending on my mood at the time. One day at a time, ya know? Part of the fellowship rejection angst was that missing those kinds of opportunities takes me down a very slippery mental slope - I immediately conclude that if I didn't get x academic achievement I won't ever get a job/tenure/whatever. So, it led me to start thinking - what in the world would I do if I *don't* end up in academia? In my department we all joke that we'll all end up drivibg cab together. But stuff like this review give me hope that even if this whole professor gig doesn't quite work out, there are other worthwhile things I could be doing. I would be ok.

Sorry about the fellowships... :(

Just goes to show you need to write a buncha good books! I do think you will be a hellova teacher. I know I would have loved to listen to you if I'd been in college.

CopperRose

Thank you. Teaching is very much a work in progress and often I think I'm learning more about how to teach than my students are learning about how to write. I had the feeling that I am, in fact, getting better - but this positive review gave me a lot of confidence because it came both from an objective third party and from the students themselves. So - Yay!!